Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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