Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
