the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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