I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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