my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
