I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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