i wish my penis had a tongue
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
