Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
