there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
