so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
