i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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