Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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