I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
