I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They have beer where we have blood.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
