I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
