We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
