sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
