i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
