The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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