I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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