i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
