um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
