my mouth tastes like poor choices
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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