I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
