come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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