Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
