youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
