Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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