Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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