I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
