things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my liver is dry heaving
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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