I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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