I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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