Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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