you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
