he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we're so committed to being not committed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
