The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
