Yo dont text me then not text me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
