I just pynch a tree in the face
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
