Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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