my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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