I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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