tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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