I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
