I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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