my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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