I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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