R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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