just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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