So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
