Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
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I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
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she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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