Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
