I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
