a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
