hotel room ftw
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
