Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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