you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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