Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
