my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
