i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
