how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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