Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
